Ooookay, time for some emotional/personal blogging.
There are so many things I want to do that I’m not doing and I don’t know why. I have this bad habit of living aspirationally, always in the future, wasting time in the in-between.
I am in love with someone who lives 800 miles away. I didn’t think I was before I saw him again, but now, I know and I don’t know what to do about it. Do I tell him? There’s no way we could be together. He’s going to graduate school in San Diego. I could pick up, move there, live on a beach. California has elected officials. I could work for them, too. I can do anything I want. It’s like he always knew.
He texted me even when I was distant. He called even when I was hung up on other dudes. He hasn’t changed and I feel like I’ve fallen even more for him, that I care more now, and I hate being the person that cares more.
He’s black. I’m white. I don’t know how much it matters. He goes to an HBCU. I picture him marrying a black woman, having beautiful children with a black woman. I don’t know if I measure up. I sometimes feel like I’m not good enough for him, but he’s the only person I’ve known in a long time that I think is good enough for me, is on my level, who works as hard as I do and dreams as big as I do.
This shit is hard. I need to get out more. I need to get my house in order. I need to make more friends. I hang out with about three people. Other than that, I’m alone. I don’t date and I don’t know why. I’ve got 50 dudes sitting here on my Tinder feed and even when they talk to me first, I don’t respond. I am closed off and afraid of letting somebody in because then I might have to change, adapt, get my fat ass out of bed and start living my life again. Loving someone far away, as real as I feel it is, fixes that dilemma. They are an aspiration. He’s always on my mind, but he’s never in my way.
I have a job that I love, but it has become the new normal. As much as I’d love for my 9-5 to be my life, that’s not what a life is. I can work late. I can work weekends. I can avoid my empty bed, but I still have to lie in it.
I want to travel. I’m going to Chicago in June and Brooklyn in July and again, here I am, living in the future. I want to go to any city he’s in. I’ve got to make it back to Atlanta before he leaves in October because I fell in love with his city, too. I’m married to KC, but I find a mistress every beautiful place I go.
Every day is an exercise. Every day has to involve conscious love. No more lying in my fucking bed watching shows that I’ve seen before. Sometimes I forget that I’m a rockstar. Sometimes I forget that I deserve all good things. No more.
“But confusingly, misogynists are sometimes men who speak softly and eat vegan and say “a woman’s sexual freedom is an essential component to her liberation. So come here.” It’s a tricky world out there. And while I’d prefer a critical approach to gender from men I elect, read and even bed, in my experience, the so-called feminist men I’ve met deep down have not been less antagonistic or bigoted toward women. What I see over and over again is misogyny in sheep’s clothing, and at this point, I would rather see wolves as wolves.”—"Stop fawning over male feminists" (via hereticswords)
I don’t want to die, I just don’t want to major in physics.
But I’m sending myself in to debt to get this degree and I have to get it because I can only “afford” the debt of 4 years in school, so I can’t change my major.
And my mom wants me to be concerned about my grade point average. I just want to pass all of my physics classes while taking as many other classes as possible, because no matter how bad this experience is sometimes, I want it to last forever.
Okay, real talk: If you want to change your major, do it NOW. Fuck your school’s insistence that you graduate in four years. Most people may take some extra time to complete an undergraduate degree, especially if they change majors. I took an additional semester and could have easily taken two… Yes, student loan debt is terrible (trust me, my grace period ends soon), but it isn’t necessarily overwhelming. If you plan to go to graduate school right away, your payments will be deferred until you complete your education. I changed my major three times, and my career isn’t even directly related to my degree. Go with your gut, but do it soon. Sit down with an adviser and say, “Hey, I’m thinking about changing my major to ______, what would that look like?” You’re under no obligation to change it if you don’t like the picture. Also, an option that is probably not interesting to you but is possible, is establishing residency in PA and attending a public university at a substantially lower cost. (Probably. If you could get scholarships there as well, it would definitely be lower.)
Go with your gut. Don’t end up doing something you hate.
I love Tech N9ne. I love Kendrick Lamar. I love that this was shot in Kansas City, my city. I love that the first time I met Tech, it was at work. I love that my boss had him light the Mayor’s Christmas Tree. I love that he called me “shorty” and hugged me at my favorite bar and acted like he remembered me. I just love this song.
Today at work I wrote a letter to a woman whose son is on death row. Her son kidnapped, raped and murdered a fifteen-year-old girl before I was even born. I almost cried when I showed it to the Chief of Staff for revisions. She wanted our help and we cannot help her. I should think that somehow along the way, she failed, raising a man like that and all. But I can only see her as a mom…
The Portland African American Leadership Forum sent a scathing letter in December to city leaders, saying the plan would price residents out of the area and the group“remains opposed to any development in North/Northeast Portland that does not primarily benefit the black community.”
Trader Joe’s would increase displacement of low-income residents and “increase the desirability of the neighborhood,” for “non-oppressed populations,” PAALF wrote.
“[This decision] reflects the city’s overall track record of implementing policies that serve to uproot, displace and disempower our most vulnerable community members,” the letter said.
Okay, as someone who works for the mayor of a large city, I am VERY intrigued by this. We recently got an ALDI grocery store in an area that really had no sufficient grocery store, particularly along bus or pedestrian routes, and people are loving it. We’ve gotten a lot of positive response from neighborhood leaders and groups. I’ve considered making that my regular grocery store because it’s really close to where I live, despite being in what the average, white Midtowner would consider a “bad” area, but I’ve thought, “I don’t want people to feel resentful of me because it’s not ‘my’ grocery store.” I wouldn’t want people to think, like, “wow, an area east of Troost (our city’s racial dividing line that was intentionally set up that way during the Pendergast era, eeek), finally gets something good, and now white people want to come here?” Granted, ALDI is more affordable than Trader Joe’s and does not have the yuppie cache…
ANYWAY, I really support this group’s decision. I wonder if Portland has the issue with food deserts that we do in Kansas City. I hope they can find a store that better suits the needs of their community. Our office often focuses on ways to develop the city economically, and I see huge parallels between this and our ALDI project, in terms of incentivizing development in areas that are often overlooked. I think it’s really important to look at growing businesses in under-served areas as what it is— an investment. You’ve got to find projects that directly benefit that community and will be sustained by it. I feel like there’s this really fine line between economic development and gentrification, and that’s something I want to learn more about as I continue to work in government.
Buuut I could literally go on for hours, so I’ll stop.
In March last year a popular celebrity, Alexander Bard, declared on national television station SVT that there is nothing wrong with calling black people “n*ggers” – “If I can refer to myself as a faggot then I should be able to call black people n*ggers” – and when confronted on social media by an Afro-Swede, he insisted on using the word repeatedly to make his point.
Last April, at a student dinner gathering at the prestigious Lund University, students arrived with their faces blacked up, with nooses and shackles around their necks and arms, and led by a white “slave trader”. During the course of the evening, a slave auction was enacted.
When I filed a complaint, I was subjected to a racist reprisal. Apart from threats against me and my family, a manipulated picture of me as a slave in shackles was made into posters bearing the words, in Swedish: "This is our runaway n*gger slave and he answers to the name Jallow Momodou. If you should find him please call this number." These were put up in several different spots around my workplace, Malmö university. Rev Jesse Jackson himself condemned the harassment.
In October 2010, a white Swedish man went on a rampage in Malmö, shooting more than 20 people of colour and killing one. The killer was officially considered to be a lone wolf with psychological problems rather than a terrorist with racist motives, and he has still not been prosecuted.
At the start of last year, a sex education film caused outrage because it showed a black guy having sex with a white girl. More than half a million comments were posted on the internet, mainly commenting on how disgusted they were at this “betrayal” of the white race and corruption of the purity of the Swedish gene pool. The entire incident, though, was not even commented on by a single politician.
Despite all these incidents, however, Sweden has created an image for itself of paradise and harmony, which has been bought into by the rest of the world. It is a challenge for all of us to revise the Swedish self-image, starting in our schools, to understand how racism has taken hold in this country.
Sweden abolished the slave trade in 1847 well after nations like Britain; but few people know this part of its history. The Swedish exceptionalism – the idea that Sweden is disconnected from slavery and colonialism – has made it very difficult to discuss the racist structures that black people face today.
Racism is about power, in which those who operate the levers believe it is OK to discriminate, dehumanise and denigrate without consequence. This is what the culture minister is relying on: a racist structure that ignores racial incidents and ultimately makes them part of the norm. This is what the true image of Swedish society looks like.
This breaks my heart, and is also why I get SO frustrated when white liberals here in the US idolize the “Nordic” countries. “But look, health care, no income inequality!” Um, fuck you, it’s only a ‘utopia’ to those who fit into the proper box. Bullshit all around.
Why can’t I have one strong, bisexual, body positive, hair positive, unapologetic feminist who isn’t a fucking piece of shit?
fuck her for being an ableist, transphobic piece of shit and tainting everything she’s done. Fuck her because I can’t love Melody Dean and I can’t love Half Jack and I can’t love Map of Tasmania and those are the most beautiful, formative songs of my life and my experience.
I guess I knew this before, but I wanted to ignore it.
You can still like whatever you want though. I don’t really know much about Amanda Palmer as a person or what this is referring to, but some celebrity being imperfect (or outwardly shitty, again, I have no fucking clue what Amanda Palmer did) doesn’t ruin their work, and it especially does not ruin any sort of time-bound, formative experience you had with a piece of music. Not saying that artists shouldn’t be responsible for what they say, or that art can ever be fully removed from its context in time and space, but like what you like. I listen to rap, almost exclusively, and there’s often problematic shit in the songs that I like. But I acknowledge it and move on. It’s so hard to find something artistic that fits everyone’s standards of decency and inclusion. You CAN acknowledge that an artist is problematic and still enjoy their music.
Again, not trying to defend a person I really don’t know much about anymore, but I don’t think you should feel bad for enjoying music or a musician that is imperfect. Call it out, discuss it, but unless she’s a serial rapist or a murderer or something, people CAN understand and rectify their shitty behavior.
You know how much I LOVE Drake, and he just threw a hissy fit because they pulled his Rolling Stone cover to feature Phillip Seymour Hoffman, a guy who died. Is this shitty of him? Totally. Do I still love him? Yes.
So my mom got to meet my boss today! For those of you who don’t know, I work for the Mayor of a large, Midwestern city.
I wasn’t privy to their long-ass conversation (if you know me well enough to know my mom, this does not shock you), but she said she told him, “Thank you,” and he said, “For what?” My mom said, “For giving Rachel this opportunity.”
And he said, “I didn’t give her anything. She earned it. She’s doing a great job and I can already tell that she wants more.”
I love that he said that. That he recognizes that that quality IS me. I always want more. I want to do more and be more. This world is mine. The most important man in the city has his eye on me and gets what I’m about just by how I act, without me even having to say a word. I do want more and he knows that I will get it.
My mom also explained to him how much I love Kansas City and want to do right by it, hence my hard work, and he said “Nah, it’s not the city, that’s her.”
DUDE. Wow. This is so great. I love that he just went on and on about me without any provocation. He could have just been like “Yeah, she’s doing a good job,” but he didn’t say that. WOW.
So like four people at work saw me cry today. Somehow my rent payment came out twice this month, so my checking account is overdrawn. I called the property management company, their third-party server that handles payments, AND the bank. Everyone keeps faulting everyone else, so my assumption is it’s my fault. We’ve got hella snow here, the City is in a “Phase 2” emergency, and I have no money in case I really need it.
I just panicked and kinda lost my cool. (Mayor and most staff did not come in today.) Everyone who was there was really nice about it. The Chief of Staff was like, “OH MY GOD what’s wrong, don’t apologize, it’s okay” and my immediate supervisor offered me some money. “You need 20, 40? We’ve all been there.” I feel really bad letting people see me be vulnerable and feel like they will judge me, but I’m trying to let go of that and just appreciate that I work with awesome people who care about me.
Now I’m home, car is parked off the street, I have food and hot water, a half-tank of gas, clean clothes and internet access. Could be so much worse!
Listen, I get excited about a lot of things, but I NEVER scream about things the way straight dudes scream about football.
well sometimes i almot scream about star trek the way straight dudes scream about football
YES. Dude was screaming so loud last night at the super bowl and like If I ever screamed that loud at anything people would think I was fucking nuts. Especially if it was something fandom related.
Idk if this is quite #patriarchy worthy because I’m a girl (duh) and do the same thing. I do not understand my life before Steelers football. I think people love the ‘collective effervescence’ of sports and sports fandom. It’s socially-sanctioned chaos!
Okay, so one of my very dear friends won’t stop bitching about Macklemore on Facebook, and I feel like it is a prime example of liberal hypocrisy. First of all, I’ll say that, even though I generally like his music (used to REALLY like him, feelin’ kinda mehhh lately), I feel like all the criticisms I’ve heard levied against him are pretty valid. I would say, in general, “Same Love” does more good than harm, but I do get the critiques and agree that it does not present a nuanced view of hip hop and its views of homosexuality. (But then again, it is one line of one song, so perhaps there is room for Macklemore to pull his head out of his butt and address these issues. I doubt he will, but I like to give him the benefit of the doubt.)
So my white, female friend is issuing these critiques on her FB as if they’re her own, as if no black bloggers and cultural critics have been saying this shit for awhile. Plus, homegirl doesn’t even love hip hop. If you have no dog in the fight, get the fuuuck out of my genre. If you love Kendrick so much and think he deserved the Grammy, maybe, um, actually GO BUY AND LISTEN TO GKMC. This girl is my good friend, but I feel irritated when she just regurgitates every progressive talking point of the moment without critical engagement. When does the time come when you need to check YOUR privilege and stop acting like you’re so original when you’re just copping other people’s ideas without credit?
She also acts like Macklemore is symptomatic of a general attempt to remove blackness from hip hop. (Again, be reminded she does not understand this genre, and talked about Vanilla Ice, Eminem, and Kreayshawn in the same breath, despite the fact that they are all totally different artists, to illuminate this point.) I totally get that Macklemore is this very palatable white dude, and that bothers people, but I do not see his popularity as indicative of any sort of trend in hip hop. Hip hop is still black and will always be black. And perhaps if Mackelmore had not come up as an ENTIRELY independent artist, I could totally buy that he is a marketing ploy, but alas, he’s just music that white people like. And white people who act like hip hop is inherently stupid, misogynistic, or homophobic completely suck. But these people were not born with Macklemore and will not die once his popularity wanes. Again, PLEASE note that this chick and other friends of ours have mocked me for liking “17-year-old black girl” music because I listen to mainstream rap and hip hop. Her to a lesser extent, but she certainly does not defend me or my tastes.
Now, I’m gonna go listen to Yeezus and bask in the glory of the one true king.
Also, WHO GIVES A FUCK who wins a Grammy, the Grammys constantly award mediocrity. They never get it right.
WOULD ANY SANE PERSON think dumpster diving would have stopped Hitler, or that composting would have ended slavery or brought about the eight-hour workday, or that chopping wood and carrying water would have gotten people out of Tsarist prisons, or that dancing naked around a fire would have helped put in place the Voting Rights Act of 1957 or the Civil Rights Act of 1964? Then why now, with all the world at stake, do so many people retreat into these entirely personal “solutions”?
Part of the problem is that we’ve been victims of a campaign of systematic misdirection. Consumer culture and the capitalist mindset have taught us to substitute acts of personal consumption (or enlightenment) for organized political resistance. An Inconvenient Truth helped raise consciousness about global warming. But did you notice that all of the solutions presented had to do with personal consumption—changing light bulbs, inflating tires, driving half as much—and had nothing to do with shifting power away from corporations, or stopping the growth economy that is destroying the planet? Even if every person in the United States did everything the movie suggested, U.S. carbon emissions would fall by only 22 percent. Scientific consensus is that emissions must be reduced by at least 75 percent worldwide.
Or let’s talk water. We so often hear that the world is running out of water. People are dying from lack of water. Rivers are dewatered from lack of water. Because of this we need to take shorter showers. See the disconnect? Because I take showers, I’m responsible for drawing down aquifers? Well, no. More than 90 percent of the water used by humans is used by agriculture and industry. The remaining 10 percent is split between municipalities and actual living breathing individual humans. Collectively, municipal golf courses use as much water as municipal human beings. People (both human people and fish people) aren’t dying because the world is running out of water. They’re dying because the water is being stolen.
So this guy I used to hook up with who is a douche but who I had the best sex of my life with recently moved into my building. Boy looks like a handsomer, Midwestern version of Macklemore and makes a killer breakfast sandwich.
We have not have sex yet, but he did borrow my Phillips head screwdriver and has yet to return it. I also helped him move a couch. Then we had a heart-to-heart (aka him confessing his past transgressions to me and also talking about ball sweat while standing in his underwear), he touched my face, and now we are getting a Costco membership together.
In other related news, I STILL DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHAT DATING IS.