Sweet.

You know what the Midwest is? Young and restless.
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It’s only 2 weeks into the semester and I already feel like I’m falling behind.  I have a paper due at 2pm that’s not getting finished. I’m not on my meds.  Last semester, with medication, I pulled a 3.6 GPA.  The semester before, when I was severely depressed and not on Adderall, I dropped one class, taking me down to 11 credit hours, only 9 of which I passed, though I did very well in those 3 classes.  So basically, I was performing well only under the conditions of part-time studenthood. This presents a possible solution: “Hey, why don’t you just take classes part time for awhile!”  Well, that’s not really an option.  Because I entered into the social sciences and picked up two minors, I am already delaying graduation by a semester, maybe two.  My financial aid could also be affected if I drop below full time.  Plus, my parents would never accept that, even if I thought it would be better for my sanity and my academic performance.  Besides, I would even feel like sort of a failure. 

Working 30 hours a week, going to school full time (15 hours!), and organizing SafeWalk seems impossible to me now.  I hate to act like I have SO MUCH hardship in front of me, because I don’t.  It’s just a little more than I’m adept at handling, especially since I am sort of in “summer mode” still.  I went out twice this week.  Once was on a school night, but I actually woke up early the next morning and managed to get the work done for the day’s classes.  The other was Wednesday, not a school night for me.  I did virtually no class work Thursday during the day, and I worked from 5pm and until about midnight, so NOTHING for today is done.  I need to manage my time better.  This has ALWAYS been a problem for me, but adding alcohol and friends to the mix does not help. At all. I have said before that I feel like my alcohol consumption would be a problem if it started affecting work or school, so perhaps it has?  It’s not like I would ever skip class to drink, but drinking is, perhaps, affecting my ability to get my homework done.  But on the other hand, if it wasn’t alcohol, I would just be wasting my time with something else… like I have in the various semesters before my 21st birthday.  Friends, TV, reading for pleasure, the internet, shopping; I have many “vices.”  

I’m going to an informational meeting for SEARCH today, an organization (sort of) on campus that finances undergraduate student research projects. I have a fantastic idea that would allow me to pull from both my English and anthropology classes, which involves The Cult of True Womanhood, Pinterest, and the re-emergence of domesticity  in our current recession.  I want to talk about “women’s work” and examine whether current DIY culture is a replication of traditional ideas about femininity, or an attempt on the part of women to create and define themselves. (The answer: yes.  Also, in anthro, almost everything is about ontological security and defining the boundaries of the self while maintaing a link to the divinity that is culture.  So, always, yes.)  I am deathly afraid that I won’t be up to snuff to do this project…

Welp, time to e-mail my professor and tell her I will not have a paper to turn in today. (I never ask for extensions and think everyone should work on the same time table, or face a penalty for late work.  No exceptions.)  And also, probably, time to make an appointment with my shrink…